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BEGAN
I'd been born as my mother's youngest and last child. My father was not in the picture. I have three older siblings, Xavier, Aleah, and Elijah. All in that order. Xavier was my mother's first child. She adopted the second two from my aunt just as I had turned one. -
SPORTS
For as long as I can remember I have always loved sports. In kinder garden during recess the boys and myself would race from fence to fence. As I moved up in grades I expanded my competitive drive with other playground sports. My mother and grandmother continuously placed me in several activities such as ballet, gymnastics, tennis, and hockey. As soon as I was good at one I'd move to the next. Until I found softball at the age of seven. -
GROWING UP
I grew up really fast and really young. Around the fourth grade I began to notice my mother getting sick. At the time I didn't know that this would be a long term thing. I had learned that at the age of ten that I had a lot of anxiety I didn't know how to handle. I never believed in medicine to cure such things, so I immersed myself deeper into athletics and my studies. -
THE 6TH GRADE
In the sixth grade I was diagnosed with depression. With my mother's condition worsening, she was not fully capable of providing emotional support and the two of us became distant. My sister and I became each others' support. I still refused to treat my problems with medication and my mother had always agreed with that choice. -
THE SEVENTH GRADE
I was still playing softball but at this point I was in an advanced league for teens. I was still twelve at the time but played with sixteen year old girls. There was a constant pressure on me to preform each and every game. I felt myself comparing my abilities to others. My coaches no longer seeing me as a kid enjoying a game but someone who needs to win. There was this unspoken rule that I would have to pull the team. I no longer enjoyed the competition. -
THE EIGHTH GRADE
When asked if I would return to softball for the next year I declined. Against both my parents wishes I chose to focus on the arts. I was tired of the pressure put on me physically and mentally. My mother and I no longer spoke to one another. We lived in the same home and didn't say a word. This is the year my eating disorder became alive. It was as if my competitive drive was still trying to feed itself. I began to see how much weight I could lose in a short amount of time. -
FRESHMAN YEAR FIRST SEMESTER
I was at my worst during this time. I was underweight, severely depressed and confused. My siblings and I were split up as we all left our mother. My brother moved in with our father and my adopted sister and I moved into our grandparents house. My adopted brother had been moved into a behavioral group home but regularly spent nights with my sister and I. My sister had been acting out. Though she was older I felt I was supposed to be the responsible one. And once again I felt pressured. -
FRESHMAN YEAR SECOND SEMESTER
I moved in with my father, brother, and half siblings. My father and his now girlfriend had six kids together, two girls and four boys. My brother and I now made ten people in one house. There was never any silence. I have an unconditional love for all of my siblings and I enjoyed being so close with them. They were all athletes and brought back my love for sports. Unfortunately my father was not the best father. My brother and I began to see for ourselves just how troubled he was. -
HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS
I wanted to get back into athletics again but I decided softball was not an option. As a kid my father had told me stories of when he was in track so I chose that as my sport.But as I told him I was not going back to softball he expressed just how disappointed in me he was. I was in all three jumps and made varsity. There weren't very many freshman on track varsity so I was proud. I realized that at that moment I needed to start living for myself and not for others. -
SOPHOMORE YEAR
I had moved back in with my mother and decided I wanted a break. I wanted a break from the confined pressure from school, sports, and parents. So I decided to leave Westwood and enrolled into an art school, where they had no rules and no judgement. -
JUNIOR YEAR
As I rested from sports and outside expectations I had many self revelations. I had met so many wonderfully supportive students and teachers, it gave me the ability to know how to be at peace with myself. I had kicked my eating disorder and mended the relationship with my mother. Come junior year I enrolled back into Westwood. -
CHANGING PERSPECTIVES
My junior year I had decided was going to be dedicated to studying myself and my defaults. I wanted to fully accept who I am and what made me that way. So the first thing I did was join softball. Though my skills had diminished greatly over the years I was no longer in it for the competition against others. I was in it to discover me. By the end of the season I had gotten the knowledge I was seeking and no longer wished to be in the sport. Without any regrets I left it off my senior enrollment. -
SENIOR YEAR
During my life's journey I had felt as though it was an eternity. But looking back my bitterness and anger were such a short part of what is yet to come. I feel that in my bones if I continue to reflect and reconstruct myself to become a better person there is only good for me in my future.