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Post-Gestation
Inglorious birth in rustic Pennsylvanian hamlet to little fanfare save 3 sojourning magi of dubious qualification. -
Completed Deconstruction of Joyce's Ulysses *
- By "deconstruct" we mean "to destroy text in attempt to fashion into a hat".
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Hero with A Thousand Faces
Footage of Mean Joe Green thowing young Jack his pants in exchange for a cold Tab not aired as promised. -
Deluge
Witnessed both the tragic drowning of ocean bather and the coinciding refusal to help by callous
onlooker. Recounts story to babysitter Phillip Collins and promptly forgets all about it. -
Puberty
Singlehandedly accomplished by Phoebe Cates -
1st year of Academia *
- Lunchbox: Hong Kong Phooey
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Age of Discovery
1st recorded experimentation with auto-erotic manipulation to moderately successful results. *- In fairness, Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" video was not yet in rotation.
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Lamentation
Unable to enjoy the "post-death of Goose portion" of Top Gun. -
Summer of '86
"Lost Summer" of intense Fall Guy scrutiny in order to see Heather Thomas in bikini. -
Milestone of the New Decade
In Commemoration of the new decade, Jack memorizes the complete lyrics to Digital Underground's "The Humpty Dance" -
Time of Angst
1st recorded heartbreak due to Diane Harding. Occurrence left author with a life-long contempt for older college men who date high school girls and Duran Duran -
Renaissance
Mastered artistic technique that would later lead to my inclusion into the Urban Dictionary.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Drawing+Vikings -
Commencement
Graduated from Private Academy with honors and holes in faded jeans. Also saved Latin. -
Folk Years
Started post-modern folk-feminist quartet "the Intercontinental Frotteurism All-Stars" -
Sans Regrets
Hollywood Road Trip Goes Poorly... -
The Wasteland
Caught up in UF English Dept. sex-scandal that resulted in a life-long aversion to Instructor's Lounges, the goddess Venus, and the overrated drivel of T.S. Elliot. -
Life Lessons
Life-altering decision to relieve bladder on opening night of "LA Confidential" during scene crucial to the narrative. Arrive back to seat in less distress, only to discover that Kevin Spacey is now dead- Anguished vow never to relieve oneself during a film again.*
* Record still unbroken, despite close call in drunken screening of "There Will Be Blood" -
Famous "Blue Period".
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"Kaput"
High score achieved in "Castle Wolfenstein". Nostalgia tempered by recent revelation of it's graphics referred to as "extraordinarily gay" by neighbor child. -
Gentleman's Game
Infamous infection due to drastic tongue-ring incident at Trader Jack's Gentleman's Club. Thanks, Harley. -
Sojourn
From the sea-coast of Ilium in the early days, arrived to Boulder by destiny to the Lavinian western shore. -
Epiphany
Midway through journey of life, has intense dream in which author descends to the levels of hell. Only regret is that, sans Virgil, he is guided by Corey Feldman- Clearly the better of the two Coreys. -
Time of Regret
Vomits on "Internet's Most Downloaded Woman" and CEO Danni Ashe at Conference of World Affairs after party. Drinking companion Roger Ebert offers no assistance. -
Purgation
Produced low-budget art-house picture "Saved by the Smell". Vows never to work with Dustin Diamond again. -
Quandary
Forlorn to discover that my Beatrice bears vodka, Marmite and Bellydancing. Long-term pining to ensue. -
Catharsis
Emerged refreshed from Lethe, leaving the folly of Pearl St. behind. -
The Mountains Win Again
Blues Traveler, Burbon, TJ and a 2 Dollar Bill. -
Denouement
Creator of upcoming show Colorado X: Casefiles of the Paranormal. Likwise charged with "Bringing Sexy Back" to the CU English Dept
