-
The start of everything
As a kid I never took anything personally. I did but it only took a couple of minutes before I forgot about a persons remark towards about me. Growing up I was a plus sized kid, got made fun of by being fat and big. I never really took it to heart. Until that one time at my cousins wedding. This is where everything started. Little did I know that was just a small piece to the bigger picture -
The Wedding pt 2
Usually when my uncles or aunties pull any kids aside they give them gifts, candy, or anything that will make a 11 year old kid happy. This was the only time that I became upset and didn't know how to handle my feeling and thoughts. I didn't know what this uneasy emotion i'm experiencing right now. Its as if I was just punched out of now where and couldn't move or somebody just unscramble the pieces to my puzzles and couldn't do anything but just stand there and felt helpless. Hurtful words. -
The Wedding pt 1
As I approach towards the big door, I feel an uneasy feeling, maybe its just theres a lot of people I don't know and only a hand full I do know. I've been getting nervous lately and I have no clue why. As me, my mom, my brother, and my cousins enter the door we get a big welcoming by my cousin who just got married. Unfortunately we missed the ceremony, but came to the reception to greet my newly wed cousin. After all the fun I get pulled aside by my uncle. His words left an easy feeling. -
Middle School pt 2
its more than a year already of middle school. I roam the halls my hands shacking with nervousness. I feel their eyes on me. "are they judging me?" "Are they looking at my clothes i've been wearing everyday?" "Are they gonna make a remark about my weight?" These were only some of the thoughts in my head during the times I was in middle school. I would make remarks about my body myself. Because I don't want another making them. I resort to making it myself to make it less painful. -
Entering Middle School pt 1
Finally moving and leaving elementary. Growing up was one of the events I wanted to come faster. Meaning I wouldn't be treated like a baby, people would take me seriously, and that ill be able to do more as a grown up like driving a car or getting job and making money. Entering middle school was one step closer to being one. In grade 6 I made a a bunch of friends and felt included in everything. Even though you get a blessing you also get a back draw to balance it out. The drawback seemed more. -
Long Term Effect
"Toby you haven't eaten all day!" purposefully not eating was the most reliving feeling that I felt at the time. I worked out to the point of people starting to notice i've lost weight. It made me feel good that the only thing I heard was about my weight lost. Soon enough though that was the triggering point of something way worse. If I could go back in time I would do this in a healthier version where I didn't gain a eating disorder and worsen my mental health. -
Turing Point
Everyone around me kept telling me that I seem more seriously and sensitive. This was the same time as my eating disorder faze. due to that I couldn't handle my feelings I turned into this shell of emotion, not knowing how let it out. As a kid I was the most goofy and silly kid around. I was the life of the party, I was deemed the class clown back in elementary. It was unsettling for some due to the fact that their used to me being more loud and very out going. In other words my turning point -
2 years
This went along from middle of grade 8 to middle of grade 10. 2 years of enduring this pain. There were points of feeling better about myself. To be honest its only times were I see an improvement in my physical appearance or I didn't look "fat". As soon as I look in the mirror and I didn't like what I see it goes back to all my overthinking which in result of me starving myself and to block everyone around me. Mirrors were my villains in my story -
Mirrors
In the reflection I see the reason for all problems, coming to a conclusion that seemed reasonable at the time but not ethical one. Trying on clothes I bought only to realized that instead of making me happy, only making my problems worse. Seeing the clothes making my side look like mountain. My head filled with thoughts. Asking myself "Was this process only wasted time?" "Why is there no results?". Sweat ran down my face with all the hoodies am wearing, a gut feeling that felt uneasy. Im done. -
Middle School pt 3
Grade 6 was the most oblivious part of my life I made decisions that effected me long term in the future. The biggest one was about my weight and that I let people walk all over me. This gave me more anxiety, overthinking, and insecurity. Grade 8 was when everything broke loose. I decided to start working out to feel better, but I took it way to seriously and unrealistic. I still have the memories of my mom telling me to eat. Eating back then was the most god. awful thing I did. The guilt I felt -
Outcome of a Thunder Storm
Even though this the most pain and traumatic event Ive every experienced. Im glad this actually happened, even now I'm trying to make it seem more positive than it isn't. This made me learn a lot me and my limitations. This did have some after effects after I became better with my eating habits and thought process. It have me anxiety and lessen my confidence about myself. Starting to eat healthy was actually the most reliving part. I Started to eat again because of seeing the effect it had on me -
Self Therapy
Weirdly enough my anxiety being worse was a cake walk to fix. Due to that I have more knowledge about my feeling and how to handle them. When feeling overwhelmed and the feeling of not being able to breath is one of the most terrifying feeling. My static is to just breathe and to talk to myself that its going to be okay. This is why am glad that I went through that trauma at a young age. -
The End And The Lesson
Unfortunately I lost my childish brain and evolved to a young adult one. I still am childish but not the same mindset as before. I am more serious now, therefore more being knowledgeable and empathic to other. Sometimes loosing something can be a blessing in disguise's. If I still had that mindset as before id be a completely different person. in present time am more confident about myself and physical aspects.(not always). Need to be more present now. I was absent for 2 years. Time to get back