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Jealousy is Rising
It is now summer time, and I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but feel envious toward Phineas. He gets anything he wants without even trying. Also, he gets away with everything! No matter what he did or how bad it was, Phineas will find a way to get out of it. He just has the type of personality that adults can't help but forgive and love. I honestly don't know how he does it. Even with all of this feeling of jealousy and envy, I am still extremely grateful for Phineas. -
Friendship
Just recently, Phineas practically saved my life. I couldn't help but realize the irony of him saving me, based on what happens later. Later on, we made up this game called blitzball. Everyone played it and it became very popular. Of course FInny was pretty much the best at the game, he's pretty much the best at everything that involves athleticism. I mean, he did beat the school's record for swimming in one try. He sees me as a best friend, but I don't think I feel the same way. -
One-Sided Competition
Just as Phineas has his strengths of athletics, I have my strengths of academics. I have finallty found something I am better at him than he is, we can be even now. Phineas starts acting like he's jealous of my good grades, so he begins studying harder and actually doing work. Later on, I came to the realization that Finny never really cared if he was better than me or not. He actually wants me to succeed. There was never a rivalry. I will never have a chance to be half the person Finny is. -
Was It On Purpose?
Finny fell off the tree, and I'm trying to convince myself that it was an accident. I have this enormous cloud of guilt that floats over me everytime I see Finny, or anytime anybody talks about him. I put Finny in the infirmary, I made him this way. Now he can never play sports the way he used to. Finny could't really remember what happened either. He likes to think that he just fell, and it was not my fault. I even told him that I purposely did it, but he could not believe me. -
Everyone Knows
People at school knew that I was with Finny when he had his accident, so of course they all blamed me. I denied it because Finny did too. For some reason, Phineas would not come to the fact that I did push him, and it was on purpose. I think my thoughts full of anger and envy may have taken control over me, but I know that it was still purposeful. Now that I crippled Finny from playing sports, he is making me play for him. -
To Enlist Or To Not Enlist
The guilt stays with me for eternity, and I feel like I have to make up for it. I want to enlist, but I couldn't make up my mind if I would really go through with it or not. I realized that I owed no one anything, besides myself. It was my decision to chose, and I chose that I wanted to enlist. I was kind of excited for this new journey in my life, but when I saw Phineas, my mind changed. I couldn't go through with my decision any longer. -
Denial
Phineas has been acting sort of strange lately, and I'm not sure why. It only got worse when we ran into Brinker and he brought up enlisting. Finny was so shocked and confused to why I would enlist. He seemed as if he needed me to stay there with him, it felt really nice to be needed. For some reason, he began to deny the war and I thought he was crazy. I never really questioned him though, because Phineas always has a valid reason. -
Escaping
Leper ended up enlisting, and I did not join him. He sent me a weird telegram saying it was from the Olympic Committee, but it was really from Leper. Leper said that he needed my help escaping from the army, so I went to his house to help him out. I knew Leper would never make it in the army, and so did everyone else at Devon. I think he just wanted to prove us all wrong. Leper told me everything about how miserable his life was when he enlisted, he had turned completey insane. -
Interrogation
We got in a snowball fight, pretending we were all at war. All this time, Phineas did really know there was a war on. He denied it because he was planning on enlisting, but couldn't bare to think about it with his broken leg. I'm the one that ruined his chances of going to war. That night, Brinker and three of his cohorts came into our room and took us to get interrogated. They wanted to know what truly happened when Finny had his accident. -
Blame
I know they all blamed me, the only person that didn't was Phineas. The only person that had the right to blame me did not. As the investigation went on, Finny started to remember more and realize more. He did begin to come to the conclusion that I did do it on purpose. The boys brought Leper in because he was a witness of the accident. After what Leper said along with everything else, Phineas got up and ran out of the room. Angry and confused, Phineas fell down the marble stairway. -
Phineas's Death
Phineas was in the infirmary again. The thing he hated most of all was feeling weak. I felt so responsible and so sorry. He hated the fact that he couldn't go to war. Phineas and I tried to make ourselves believe that it was just a blind impulse up on that tree. I could tell that he was very weak, so I wanted us to be on good terms. I go back later to check on Finny after his surgery, and the doctor told me the worst news: Finny died on the opperating table. Strangely, I did not cry. -
Going To War
After Phineas's death, I enlisted. I joined the Navy and they sent me to Pensacola. I enjoyed talking about war, it gave me something to think about. Nothing about the war broke Phineas, it was all me. When I went to war, I never had the passion or the hatred to fight the enemy. The reason is that even before I enlisted or put on my uniform, I was at war when I was at school. I killed my enemy there. I lost myself completely to Phineas. -
Going Back to the School
This winter, I went back to the school, back to the place that brought me grief and regret. I visited three specific places: the marble stairs, the gymnasium, and the tree. They all hold some type of significance to me. I am thankful that I saw all three of them, they brought back memories. Some memories came with sadness, but I cannot change the past.
