macbeth except if instead of Shakespeare it was a 16 year old with a sarcasm problem and a habit of rambling

Actually nevermind

1 CE

Not believing the prophecy, Macbeth and Banquo move on until Ross arrives, promptly telling Macbeth he is now Thane of Cawdor.

Meet the witches

1 CE

The witches meet and talk about how creepy they are. In a different place, the Thane of Cawdor is killed for treason.

Insult his Manliness

1 CE

With Macbeth back at home and King Duncan on the way, Lady Macbeth tells her husband of her plan to murder the King so the prophecy will become true.

Don't trust a prophecy you get from 3 ladies on the side of the road

1 CE

Macbeth and Banquo meet the witches who tell Macbeth that he will be Thane of Cawdor and King hereafter, along with telling Banquo that he may not be a King in this life, but his children will be.

Macbeth the Coward

1 CE

During dinner with the King, Macbeth begins to back out of the plan, but Lady Macbeth convinces him to suck it up and murder the King.

I feel like this is in-person type of news

1 CE

We meet Lady Macbeth, who is reading a letter from Macbeth about the prophecies and his new title. Lady Macbeth jumps straight to murder, but she is afraid Macbeth may be too weak.

Doesn't anyone find this suspicious?

2

Macduff and Lennox go to retrieve Duncan. But when they find out he's dead and the "murderers" were killed out of fury, they begin to question Macbeth's truthfulness. However, Lady Macbeth, the girl-queen slay-boss she is, faints and distracts the men.

Men, can't even stage a crime scene right

2

After the murder, Macbeth returns to his wife with the bloody daggers. Frustrated with his lack of crime scene awareness, she snatches the daggers and plants them at the scene, framing the guards.

Floating Stabby Thing

2

On his way to kill Duncan, Macbeth has his first hallucination, this time a floating dagger. Brushing it off as nerves, he continues to the crime scene.

Sons on the Run

2

Duncan's sons, Malcolm and Donaldbain, flee in fear, making it seem as though they are not only cowards but also possible murderers. Because of their extended vacation to anywhere but the castle, Macbeth is crowned King.

RIP Banquo you were my favorite

3

Macbeth, afraid that the witches' prophecy for Banquo may come true, hires two hitmen to kill Banquo and his son, Fleance. However, Macbeth has terrible taste in hitmen, as they 1) killed one of the like only two good characters (Fleance is the other one) and 2) managed not to kill the one threat to his crown, Fleance

I <3 Martin Turner

3

Banquo, the hunk he is, realizes the second prophecy has come true and that his best friend may or may not be a murdering maniac.

Floating Stabbed Thing

3

During a banquet for all the Thanes, Banquo's ghost appears in front of Macbeth. This causes Macbeth to lose it, and Lady Macbeth comes to the rescue, telling the Thanes to leave before it gets worse. Macbeth, still taking a one-way trip to crazy town, decides Macduff may not be loyal and heads to see the witches.

Violence is almost never the answer

4

Macbeth finds the witches, who tell him 3 things: 1) he should fear Macduff, 2) he cannot be harmed by anyone born of a woman, and 3) he will not be defeated until Birnam Wood moves to Dunsinane. Reassured by this, Macbeth feels he is invincible, and obviously following a logical order of thought, orders the murder of Macduff and his family.

Macbeth gets murderous (cause the first two times went spectacularly)

4

The murderers arrive at Macduff's castle only to find he is gone, so they kill his entire family and leave.

Reasonable reaction to your family's murder

4

Macduff, now in Scotland to convince Malcolm to suck it up and do his job, finds out his family has been murdered. Rightfully upset, he vows revenge and begins to plot how to take down Macbeth.

That's gonna take a little more than therapy

5

Lady Macbeth, having officially lost it, takes up sleepwalking. She wanders around the castle at night, trying and failing to clean the "blood" off her hands while her nurse and doctor watch on. However, this erratic behavior soon makes the nurse and doctor realize that she probably murdered Duncan, but they don't tell anyone.

This wood never actually work

5

Macduff's revenge army slowly begins to approach the castle while Macbeth continues on, believing he is invincible. However, by the most creative example of plot hole filling I've ever seen, the army takes literal tree branches and uses them as camouflage, fulfilling the Birnam Wood prophecy.

Women, can't even die at a convenient time

5

Back at the castle, Lady Macbeth dies. Macbeth, however, is either completely unfazed or so gone he can't even comprehend anymore, so he just shrugs it off and continues on his life in crazy town. In the meantime, he is alerted that Birnam Wood is moving towards the castle.

Heads up: You're dead

5

Macduff finds Macbeth, who is so absorbed in his own prophecy that he thinks he is invincible. However, in the second worst plot hole fix I've ever seen, Macduff claims that he was ripped from his mother's womb and, therefore, not actually born of a woman. Macbeth, now realizing just how screwed he is, decides to die fighting and is ultimately beheaded by Macduff.

Someone should really get the king a therapist

5

Macduff, thoroughly traumatized and in desperate need of more than a shower, presents Macbeth's head to Malcolm and crowns him King. And they all lived happily ever after, except for Macbeth (and Lady Macbeth, and Banquo, and Macduff's family, and probably Macduff).